Unbelievable but True #1: The Merry Widow
I was naive at first to assume that when men approaching me for a liaison, they wouldn't, unless they were single. Dead wrong. Before I caught on enough to ask if they were married or in a relationship when they asked me out, I was shocked to discover in the course of conversation that they were, and after me as well. I was constantly outraged.Then I began to get a bit cynical.I almost granted those respectful enough of their commitments with friendship on no other grounds than that they had earned it of their loyalty to their partners. Almost. Friendship has a few more qualifiers than that a sense of loyalty...but still. They got extra 'boy scout' points.
Any way. At the trade shows it's open hunting season, and there was this very 'boyish' guy with his glasses and clean cut, prep school demeanor,a kind of geeky Brit who owned a very high profile jewelry store in London that would always come around and ask me out after standing around for hours of chit chat .He seemed harmless, in a non-threatening kind of way. Though I could see through his game plan I actually felt sort of sorry for the guy. And he was charmingly witty and amusing. Sometimes we would hang out with common friends, but he always got around some of his guilt by playing at 'business' and suggesting scenarios where I could show my jewelry at his prestigious London shop.He kept bringing up the fact that I wouldn't need a hotel while I was in London...that I could stay in the extra suite he and his wife- and young son- had attached to their Mayfair flat. That was oddly comforting but weird; that he would want me around his wife. But I was curious enough and unthreatened enough to keep it in mind. Sure enough in 2007, I had to go to europe and thought of stopping over in London to check out his establishment. I was going with another girl and he insisted that we could stay over at his place and also come over and check out the store.
We got in and went over to drop our things off, and his wife came to meet us and give us our key. She was lovely; very elegant , conservative, blonde, chic and Swiss. That night they had us for dinner and their little boy was quite precocious and fun-adorable and smart. It was fun to sit down with 'natives.' and we had a lovely evening. My friend had a friend that she wanted to catch up with that evening... and since it was an old crush.of hers..I wasn't going to rain on her parade. I decided to stay put since I was a bit jet-lagged and we were catching the early train to Paris. For the same reasons she said she would be back no later than midnight.
I settled in to pour over this guy's amazing collection of jewelry books( that's the thing with the European jewelers...their businesses are almost always generational and they have such an incredible sense of historic design persecutive compared to Americans) Before I knew it, it was midnight, and she wasn't there. Then it was 12:30, then 1 - and I started to worry. My hosts had long gone to bed, and I was on my own with this problem; which was my friend was MIA and her phone wasn't on, I had no idea how to reach her, or her friend, or where they were. I realized that I didn't know if she even had the address of where we were with her- since all the arrangements had been mine.. and in the rush to get to her date on time, I didn't remember if I had given it to her.Stories were rampant about slave trade kidnappings... and she was too pretty not to be noticeable if she had been slipped something into her drink. Her family was going to kill me...I was starting to panic. I finally felt I had no choice and went and knocked on my friends bedroom door. He came to the door , hair tousled in a plaid nightgown. Very Scrooge like nightwear the likes of which I has never seen in real life. Boxers, shorts, pants, underwear...but never a nightgown on a guy.I was beyond tired, I was jet lagged, I was worried, I didn't know him well enough to be waking him up in the middle of the night... and it all just felt awful and exhausting.
I told him what was going on, and he said not to worry...that she was probably just having too much fun and to come with him to the kitchen and have some tea to wait it out.I wasn't very convinced...she wasn't like that, but I didn't have really any other choice but to see if she would show up in time to make our train. Hopefully alive.We sat down at the kitchen table, and started talking about different things when all of a sudden, his wife startled us. She appeared out of the darkness of the hallway in the doorway of the kitchen to ask what was going on. She posed, leaning against the doorway frame, raised her arm above her head to lean into the frame and position herself better with her perfectly, tousled blonde hair, dressed in a pale pink satin, merry widow, with her bare, perfect legs shod in matching pale mink maribou feathered mules perfectly angled in a 'sexy' hips out, calves dipped , femme fatale "lean". Her 'chest' was molded by the form fitting corset to within an inch of her life. I felt like I was in a bad dream, even as I thought, "Do people really sleep in those things?! How can she breathe?! And...." She is SUCH A STRANGE WOMAN"! And as she shared in the conversation she chose to behave as though this was what she wore every night to hang out at home and share midnight conversations with their house guests. The stress level was rising and even my 'friend' was obviously starting to feel the strain as well. He said that he had to get some sleep; that he was going to have along day tomorrow, and that I should get some sleep as well. We called it a night at 3 am... and I lay down as my friend rolled in at 4. We had to leave Mayfair to catch the train at 5. I could have killed her. Happily.
I never did do business with him. I think that was pretty much the end of that. His wife would have given my jewelry to the homeless of London if any of my things had ended up in their store.Happily. And she had such a grip on him- it made his efforts to cheat on her the more pathetic and sad.
But I will never be able to forget the memory of her, posing, posturing in the midnight darkness of the hallway, lit up by the kitchen lights in her pink satin bustier and feather mules. Claiming her stake. I never wanted anything she had anyway, and it was as foreign to me as familiar to them...that something like that would even happen.
Not stranger than fiction; not unbelievable...but a pretty good story.
Modern Love
MODERN LOVE
There have been a ridiculous amount of weddings in my social circle recently . Now I do know a lot of people...but the ratio of people I know to weddings being held still seems very high. In our modern world, there is happiness shadowed by a touch of cynicism for the couple I think, on behalf of a lot of the guests going to these weddings, because statistically, 50% will stay married until one of them dies, 50% won’t and the marriage will end in divorce and of the 50% that stay married..how many stay truly in love and content in their partnership and choice until the end? So, one starts to think about the choices.Should couples not bother getting married, get married anyway and hope for the best? or should they get married with the knowledge that..”Oh well, if it doesn’t work, we can get divorced.”?
An infamous example to our modern society was when Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. We should have said..”He pulled a Henry the Eighth.” The point of that reference goes back to the beginning of what we now see as commonplace in our modern society: you get married..... you divorce. But that first divorce between Catherine of Aragon and Henry the Eighth set a precedent because Henry the Eighth changed his mind. For many reasons- the first being lust- he wanted to replace who he was married to with a different choice, and so he , being king, changed the law to make that possible. He actually made that possible an ridiculous amount of times even by modern standards, and thus changed the rules for the rest of the world. Marriage wasn’t until “death do you part” anymore...marriage was until you changed your mind. Even so...in many cultures and especially for those of Catholic faith, divorce was hugely taboo, and the consequences often pretty dark for the wife (statistically speaking, the consequence of divorce to a woman's and children’s financial status are still categorically dark), the husband and the children. Even now, the relic of that time is re-introduced when you go in for an office visit and need to fill in the blanks with the designation of, “ single, married, divorced.”That dates back to times when divorce was taboo and had a social stigma attached to it.People had to make public, and specify, a failed relationship, which if they had lived together for ever and ever but never married, almost nobody would have known.
The point is, “What does it mean?” Marriage? What do the promises mean and how do you keep them as a personal, or moral commitment when an outside governing body, be it a church or state, now has authority over your relationship? How do the laws of a society govern a moral commitment and make it something about property instead of about love and good intentions? Henry the Eighth changed the law to suit himself..because by making himself head of the church, he could make the laws governing marriage suit himself. He married for political alliance, property and to have progeny. He was establishing a new status quo where no one would have any authority over him- which is not what happens to the rest of the world . For the rest of the world, divorce can be a trip to Tijuana and a quick signature; “I divorce you”, said three times; or years of bloody battle over assets- and when we say assets, that means, house, cars, plants, china, pets and children.
It gets a little murky.There seems to be a lot of grey, when the laws give us black and white. In print.
If marriage is a contract, then everyone is entitled to a ‘frikin’ AMAZING contract going in. What savvy business person would sign a business contract that was ambiguous and didn’t offer any protection? Contracts are written to protect both parties.That’s the point, not, “Let’s go into this partnership Brent, and let’s roll with the punches..you know? If one of us gets sick and can’t hold up their end, the other covers... forever. There’s no ‘out’ clause. If you or I cheat one another...that would suck, but, we have made a deal that there’s no ‘out’ clause for that either. And if we go bankrupt- we’re clear- we keep going -there’s no ‘out’ because we are lifers in this deal.” I mean it is ubiquitous in our world to know by rote the standard fare marital vows...”For better and for worse, For richer for poorer, In sickness and in health, Till death do us part.” For better of worse means if someone takes all of your savings out of the bank account and skips off to Rio with their new found love, you’re still locked in? Does it mean that if they cheated on you with someone else and gave you aids, you’re still in? Does it mean that if they’re embezzling from all of their business partners, and you can’t support that, you’re still in? Does that mean that if they have virtually abandoned parental support for the children which are a result of this partnership, or abuse them in any way, you’re still in? That you aren’t attracted to them anymore; can’t think of having sex, ever again with them...you’re locked in? For life? How can a church or state fail to cover those contingencies if they are writing the contract for you? They certainly aren’t there to pick up the pieces-even as the lawyers take their share and human lives are shredded by the shrapnel of consequences.
Is it a question of “How many have what it takes?”if things go wrong as though there's a morality marathon, or is the question, “Is it fair to commit to life long sacrifice?” To stick to a commitment through thick and thin? Sickness and health, for richer or poorer, etc, etc. etc. Because the list could get pretty long. Does society have the right, government the right to demand, ‘extract’ support for the partner who is morally, physically or intellectually the weaker? Why should it be that the one who is abused, married to a drug addict, wastrel or liar- be locked in? How many ‘have what it takes’ to be a partner to the one who is the stronger without fear, dependancy or resentment? How many are so well matched, that “to the end of their days” doesn’t seem long enough to be together? There is the “why” people get married..which comes from the heart, and there is the “what” in the marriage..the property, assets...the legal ‘stuff’ where even children, pets and plants are possessions to be shared and nurtured together, or divided between the two when their comittment ends and ‘the deal ’ is over.
But in our modern day world...marriage as a contract should set out the agreements both consent to so that a couple who do marry, are promising to be together until the end of their lives with a document that is also saying that they have given permission, to the church, rabbi, religious institution or governmental body, to say that they are, officially, legally, together; “knotted” together... with a document that covers EVERYTHING, clarifies EVERYTHING. That document should be better than the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence or The Bill of Human Rights all rolled into one...because all of them should be built in. The myriad and astronomical amount of angles, and repercussions involved in the partnerships which are the future of our, and every society, need to be given a great deal more importance by those that have exercised authority over them, or else those governing bodies need to step aside and let it be a moral commitment between two consenting, aware adults, where no one interferes. That second option, doesn’t cover those who waver,who are unclear ,and those with trouble defining or adhering to their own , or any, moral code.
So... modern marriage is a balance between moral commitment, which is Part A, and legal commitment which is Part B. Both need to be clear, because both are part and parcel of modern day love. The ephemeral things of the heart, and the practical, material, nuts and bolts of a relationship that aren’t covered in, ‘...till death do us part,” today, need to be covered. We are not living in a world where we are contained in a castle, a farm or a village, in a very simple life, with very few possessions until the end of our days. The rules and regulations governing marriage have not been changed to protect us or to begin to adapt to our new world - they are relics of a time long gone when life was much simpler on a multitude of levels. Our modern lives and partnerships, our marriages, need laws to protect and govern our reality . Those that choose to stick their heads in the sand with, “...till death do us part” as the end all and be all....are not helping.
The Beginning: My First Brilliant Marketing Idea. PART I
It was the very late summer of 2004. I had just graduated from the Eller School of Management at the University of Arizona in May; the third ranked entrepreneurial program in the country at the time( I think that it has held onto that distinction. It then outranked Harvard and Warton .) 73 of us were admitted into the program, and the attrition rate was so high, 36 of us graduated together. Of the 73 admitted, 5 were female. of the 36 that finished- 5 were female and I was the only one admitted without a business background. They bent the rules to let me into the program, because I had a degree( just graduated with both University and English Honors from the U of A in May of 2003) and this program was specifically targeted to the best of the best in the business school. But...they thought I had potential, a couple of my professors from the english department gave me glowing credentials... and I got in. Anyway.In September of 2004...I was ready to conquer the world and bursting with ideas.
I was living south of Tucson, and was driving up to Tucson for the day ( as I had every day for 3 years to go to school, which = determination @120 miles a day), listening to the radio in my car, and the new talent, John Mayer came on, singing his new hit
" Your Body is Wonderland."
" ...Your candy lips and your bubble gum tongue...
If you want love...we'll make it..."
And the ideas started racing in.
Body...wonderland...Body...jewelry...Body...a desirable woman.A desireable woman to whom? And what did she do with that?
Jewelry was what I had decided I was going to market and sell at Eller. My way. Because the traditional norms concerning jewelry were: expensive jewelry was a gift...from a man to a woman. In the world of the wealthy, it had more to do with the man than the woman who wore it. It was about his status, his wealth, his way of showing the world what he was worth, through his wife, girlfriend...or both- and what he could buy for them. His choice had to be an obvious lexicon readable to the most casual observer.Of what he could afford. The bigger the rocks,the more plentiful the 'ice', the better he -and she- looked. Most women saw that equation as quite acceptable, but I insisted that there had to be some that were as different as I was. And it was going to be my mission to find them and lead them to the glorious freedom of self expresion and independence!
I objected.I thought that the jewelry a woman wore, should be about her taste, her style...something she could wear at any time-.day or night, formal or informal and love what she was wearing with out guilt or worry of how others would perceive her. In my opinion...the jewelry should be meaningful and subtle in it's opulence. The quality would be there for anyone with discernment to see... but no 'bling' in this collection . This was about style and taste...not social status or wealth. I wanted the pieces to be practical...pendants that were interchangeable so the the pendant, on a different necklace.....was amazingly different...like the prefect white t-shirt with a suit, or jeans.
The ideas founded a script....this movie short started to form in my mind...the story line evolving completely in 45 minutes...beginning to end...script, actress(me) the sets, the styling, the mood..all of it. Done. And when an idea is that clear...I cannot rest until I see it done. Real...in front of me...a concept made manifest. I cannot let it go.
The lyrics forming John Mayer's song had made a lot of sense to me in a very clear way. I knew without any vanity that my reality had been that I had always been approached by men,( sometimes, scarily to me, women) since I could remember. (One terrifying moment, when a stranger tried to convince me to get into his car when I was eight.) Wanted. And I had to ( and still can't) make sense of that. I was just me. And yet, it was something I had to learn to deal with. Wanted. A desirable woman. Fortunate, yes, unfortunate also. Always battling to be 'seen' for myself... and not the envelope that held me. To have voice, opinions, thoughts...feelings that were respected. not to be an ornamented object, but a treasured and loved person. John Mayer's song didn't speak of the person in the body at all. It was all about body parts. I could really relate to that distinction.( We all know a lot more now, than we did then, about John Mayer and therefore ..why...he would write a song like that...but still...he was making a point that I wanted to address about the value of a woman and the social norms I objected to.) I came up with the catch phrase,"Some Women Are Unconquerable" which made perfect sense to me. In my mind...some women could not, would not, be bought. They were un-buyable, unconquerable and owned themselves.They saw themselves (I did...anyway) as free spirits who wanted to be understood and loved with depth. Not in a superficial and topical way...but for their heart and soul.The rest should be gravy...not the meat.
Also...I have always objected quite strongly to rules. There were a lot of rules for a woman that did not apply to men. Why? Why did they have freedom of movement,traveling, going out...the rules of engagement and of camaraderie with their guy friends that I,as a woman, did not enjoy? Why ?Why was certain behavior seen as promiscuous in a woman, and not in a man...or at least less tolerated? Why....Not that I wanted to be promiscuous...but why weren't we equal? Why more guys in business school?Why?!!!Who made those rules! ( Remember too, my family was/is Greek...very patriarchal and androcentric...and I was just coming into my own...so...I had a LOT of questions about what I could and could not do, and be, who I could go out with, how I could dress, behave.... and I was super good.Imagine if I had been a wild child!
So...one of my team mates had a friend that was building my website. I told them about my idea. They thought it was great. My idea was...make this movie short, burn it to DVD, make this amazing package, buy a mailing list and send it off to 10,000 homes of the kind of people who would buy my jewelry in New York. Then, with the 1% return, fund my business so that I never needed investors. Ever.
The movie short was about: This woman who was pursued by these people trying to 'bribe' her to be "theirs". She wasn't interested in their gifts of expensive jewelry ( the millionaire that I actually knew) , their promise of sexual conquest( the famous- and married- male therapist...world renowned, who had made a very explicit remark to me, about wanting to get into my knickers) their romantic promise of eternal love ( my good, girl friend from english, who after being friends for two years, made a pass at me and thus ended our friendship). At this time in my life...I was pretty pi...ed about all of them... and my family's control.. and had a lot to say about it. And I was going to. In this movie. About what kind of jewelry a woman like that wanted , and did, wear. And there was going to be a very tasteful shower scene. Why? Because that was really how her day really started. And my family was going to object to that scene.So I was going to do it. Because I could. My friends from business school ( all guys) loved the script, the idea, thought it was a great business concept, and wanted to help with filming of the movie as well as the production of the DVD's. I didn't need any more encouragement. I was on fire! This was going to be the most , best, business launch ever!
PART II tomorrow. The Strategy : I can't upload the video right now for some reason...but watch it on YOUTUBE for now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLI7t7ckMhY
TIBET FUND: An Amazing Evening
I have been fortunate to have some amazing experiences on this journey of the last six years since Mahlia Collection began, and they all have a special place; galloping on horseback through the fields outside of Oxford on a clear, dewy and sunny September morning;standing on the balcony of the Hotel D'Evreux, in the Place Vendome, looking out over the plaza with my jewelry collection on display behind me; swimming in the warm ,sublime blue of the Pacific with the distant sounds of waves crashing behind the reef. But these memories are all self contained. They are all about me and my experience. But to share in the evening of the Tibet Fund, was about going outside myself to share an emotional bond with strangers who were aligned with the sole purpose of helping a gentle people in need - and the camaraderie, the hope, the faith that we can change things in our small way... made it an extraordinarily special night.
My lawyer, Geoffrey Menin, is the house counsel for the Tibet Fund. How he came to be my lawyer is a story in of itself, but destiny is always at work, and so it is, that he is my lawyer and friend today. When he was introduced to me, it was with the caveat that, "He is one of the good guys," as has proven to be true.He knows how much my heart guides my work and he has been a loyal support because he too believes in good things. He represents creatives.What more is there to say?
When I was in NY in March, having lunch, he asked if I would like to donate something for this special evening to be held for the Tibetan people. As I say in my manifesto, "I believe in fighting for the underdog,"so without pause, I said, "Of course."
I had referenced the Dalai Lama, used his quotations often to inspire my self and I hoped, others, knew something of him, but this was a real commitment that could not be taken lightly. I have donated to children;s funds, multiple sclerosis, fire brigades, chlidren's cancer... all noble and worthy causes. But this was a cause to keep a whole culture alive from extinction. From oppression. From cruelty rooted in inequality and intolerance. To help in any small way was such an honour.
I started to read up on the Dalai Lama and the Tibetan history, and became more fascinated and connected through what I learned. They are such a gentle, inoffensive people. I had used the Dalai Lama's quote as my own, when I said, " My religion is kindness." I wanted to share his wisdom, his sweet direction when I repeated, " The purpose of life is to be happy."These were and are such simple, profound, and egalitarian thoughts. There are no rules or punishment here. Only gentle reminders and thoughtful guidance.
I wanted to donate a piece that had a good chance to be successful at auction; something for a man or a woman that was wearable and sharp- so I chose to donate the sword pendant I have in my sterling collection. I love and am passionate about sharing the language of symbolism in my work, and the choice was so instinctive, it wasn't until after I made my choice, that I realized what I was saying; because the sword, is the sword of Truth and Justice. The pieces from the sterling collection have been named with cities from around the world- past and present. The sword had the name "Oska." I sent an e-mail to the Fund saying that in honour of my honour to participate, the pendant was going to be renamed, "Lhasa", for the capital of Tibet.
I am female, and I am a designer, so the next question was, "What do you wear to meet the Dalai Lama?"I looked through my assortment from Mahlia Collection and decided on the soft grey silk taffetta dress with the cream fringe.My evening
clothes tend to ride the edge of provocative and sexy. Not what I was going to wear to meet His Holiness. I thought that the grey silk hit the right spot.Pretty, elegant, different and very " me." Dress concerns were out of the way.
We sent off the pendant to NY and made travel arrangements, because every time I'm in NY I make sure to fill every minute I can to the maxx. I live in Tucson and there are a lot of people I need to network and work with in NY.
The day of the event arrived, I was in NY, and it was pouring rain. What else was new. It seemed to happen to more often than not, that if I had to get to an event in NY... I had to deal with my hair, dress and shoes being drenched from lobby to curb, and the drama of getting a cab in the rain. No matter how well I tried to plan, I was running 15 minutes late for the event, and traffic was not co-operating. "NO!!" I wailed at the cab driver counting the blocks as we hit yet another red light. "I can't be late!" "I can't be late for this event...you don't understand!!!" He was very sympathetic and tried his best...but I was 15 minutes late and a s stressed as though it were an hour.DIgnitaries were passing through the doorway at the Pierre Hotel and I immediately felt underdressed. Two soldiers in military regalia greeted me as I passed between them, and men in black tie and women in long ball gowns were both in front and behind. I was thinking, "oh shit." At the top of the stairway, two more guards and a gigantic floral arrangement. I asked coat check for directions to the event, and then realized that people were coming in the door for two different events. One for the Tibet Fund, and one for a diplomatic event across the way. Relief.
I saw Geoffrey and his wife almost immediately upon arriving and form then on in , it was just 'good'. Good to be with good people, good to be part of that event, good to meet new great people. Good.
Soon after it was announced that the participating artists should make their way to the front to receive our 'Thanks' from the newly elected Tibetan president. We stood in a line and one by one were thanked individually for our hep. I have never been thanked before, never mind with a gift and a public acknowledgment.I find that most events see it as all done and over with once they receive the donation.We were given ceremonial thanks and all of us felt very honoured and very touched.
Then in to a beautiful ballroom with ten long tables, each one headed by a portable stove and a team of culinary artists. The head of the Tibet fund stood up to introduce the chefs, who had all donated their time and the time of their teams to prepare our banquet. As the president said. "A feast is used in celebration. We are here to celebrate our friendships and our evening together." And four sublime courses followed, prepared by somme of the best chefs in the world, interspersed with laughter and conversation.
Before dessert, two amazing philanthropists, Shelly and Donald Rubin were introduced for their 30 years of unstinting and committed devotion to the Tibetan people, introduced by Geoffrey, and then it was time to speak of another man's diligent advocacy of this wonderful culture, and that was Richard Gere. I think that what was most impressive was to be made aware of his unwavering support, commitment and determination to help the Dalai Lama and his people through 30 years of mostly unseen work. He reaction to the 'Thanks" was so heartfelt, (he couldn't speak a couple of times as he choked with emotion) as he shared his life changing memories through the years; memories shared in hearth and home of these people who he said, had given himself, and the world, so much in the person of the Dalai Lama. He was eloquent, charming, self deprecating and handsome. Everyone loved him.It was personal and it was heartwarming.
And that was the finale to a wonderful experience. One for the memory books.
I soon decided that there were a lot more people who could be helped in Tibet by creating something from their wonderful handicrafts. The western world and eastern cultures were connected through centuries by this wonderful corridor called "The SIlk Road,"where tradesman carried their wars from east to west on camel, horse and mule for thousands of miles. My Greek ancestors, starting with Alexander the Great, believed that we were to be one people and learn from one another, and so it seemed the perfect title for the new collection that will come from Mahlia - using TIbetan materials and Greek heritage in unison .
